The Walk

August 2, 2010
I laid in bed yesterday trying to process in my mind and heart hwy this had to happen to me. Really, it is a selfish struggle since I am not the only one involved. This meaning rushed out of Sudan without a chance to say goodbye or an inkling if I would ever return. This meaning the doctor saying that I cannot go back in to Sudan before I go back to the States. This meaning not a sense of closure. This meaning my heart breaking just a little bit more than it would have before. I lied in bed and cried more than I have cried in a long time. Even sitting here writing this tears well up in my eyes. Purpose… what purpose does this all have? Other than breaking hearts and I know mine is not the only one involved. I could care less about my stuff that is left behind, that is replaceable. What is not replaceable is that last embrace from my sudo Sudanese mother and father, the last wave from all of the kids, the last question of “when are you coming back?”, the last joke, the last comment that eat too little, the last laugh, the last smile, and the continuous prayer and support. I feel like I have cheated them. They have given unconditionally to me and I don’t even get the chance to look into their eyes and let them know how much I appreciate them, how much they taught me about love, giving, mercy, acceptance, un-removable faith, and prayer. Yes, I have told many of them that before, but not for the final time. I am thankful that all of my relationships were left on good terms. I have all of these questions and uneasiness in my heart and I was reminded about something next morning that is hard to grasp but important to have faith through an old school Steven Curtis Chapman song called, “the Walk”. One of the most common lines in this song is “…just doing the walk… it all comes down to the walk…” it continues to talk about Jesus showing us the walk and then it correlates everything to Micah 6:8, “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?” I should just be doing the “walk” and I may not understand where that walk takes me or when it may change direction and I may not like it at the time , but one thing I know for sure is that I serve a God who is just, merciful, and humble and not matter how my heart is going to break, my God will pick up my heart and He will use His mercy to nurse me back to health and put my heart back together again; because, a long time ago I gave my heart completely to Him. In all truth yes, I might question His purpose or His timing, but I trust Him completely with my heart and I have full trust that God has a greater purpose in this and His timing is truly perfect no matter how heartbreaking it may be. So, no matter how many times I stumble and fall I will continue to live “the walk”, because I have the God of perfect justice, perfect mercy and perfect humility handling my heart. And so, if He thinks it has to break a little than it has to break, because wounds are perfectly healed in the Healers hands and it brings me closer to Him and that’s worth it.
“…do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.”